I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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