I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
