Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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