I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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