Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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