New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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