My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
