I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
