I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
