Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
