He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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