I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
