I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
