it was like having sex with a tree stump
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Randomize