the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i love accidental penises.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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