Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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