i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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