he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i will never coherently bang her
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
