I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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