Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
you traded sex for a burrito?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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