I accidentally burped into my bong.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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