i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
