I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
