She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
