how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
