Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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