Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
