I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Randomize
