I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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