Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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