Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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