i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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