Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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