I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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