Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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