Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
everyone is single if you try hard enough
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Randomize
