Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
