Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize