my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
