Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
