How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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