I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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