Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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