Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
