If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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