Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
