I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize