Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
