Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize