the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
