Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
