Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
