Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
