I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
