you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
