Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
