Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
A bitchslap is in order.
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