Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
