So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize