Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize