So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
