How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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