The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
