i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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