I wish I only lived at night.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
