i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
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