Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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