i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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